These last few weeks have been so busy! Knox and I have gone on long road trips (thats a whole other blog post) and we have been able to visit and see sweet friends. As I'm going to all these places and talking about my experience in Kenya, my heart still hurts! I miss Nairobi, the precious smiles, the constant reminder of God's presence around us, the inability to live "comfortably". So as I was missing Kenya, I read through my journal I kept while I was there and found a date where I was particularly overwhelmed and broken. Looking back and reading my prayers to God, I am able to see His faithfulness and provisions He has for each of us. Each of the cries I lifted up to the Lord was answered, and I am able to see exactly why God brought me to Nairobi. He is so good.
Quoting my devotional: "After conversion our God is our joy, comfort, guide, teacher, and in every sense our light: He is the light within, light around, light reflected from us, and light to be revealed to us. It is said that the Lord doesn't merely give light, He IS light, nor that He gives salvation, He IS salvation."
I pray Lord that you work through me to guide lost souls to you. I don't know what that looks like. I feel so inadequate at times. I can't love enough children. I can't adopt all of the orphans. But through you, Lord, I am able to guide your babies back to you, where they find the everlasting joy and love that only YOU can provide. Only you Father. You are so good. Take control of my words. When I go home to family and friends, speak through me so that I am able to explain my experience here. Help me find words to change peoples hearts, to awaken them to you.
I've seen so much here, Lord. So much injustice, poverty, brokenness, things that have completely broken my heart. But even more than that, I've seen freedom, peace, and love. An overwhelming about of joy. I've seen so much of your light shining here in the hearts of the children at the orphanage, the hearts of the cooks that work long days, the hearts of the teachers who are filled with so much patience, the hearts of the street children that smile and wave at our car as we pass by, the hearts of the staff here at Buckner who help make our mission possible. You don't just give light to all of these people, but you are their light. I can't fix lives here or the poverty or the sin or the brokenness of man. I can't fix that there are bombings here or people dying everyday from HIV/AIDS. I can't give every child that is hungry a full belly. I can't give them light or salvation. But you can. You not only give them that but you ARE their light and salvation. You provide them salvation that they are able to look up to you and know you are storing their treasures in heaven. And I will rest in that truth. That even though I am overwhelmed at the injustice I see, you will be faithful and use each persons lives to bring your kingdom glory. You will provide salvation and the love that none of us deserve for the good of YOUR will.
I pray that I am better able to serve and love your children. One of the sewing girls yesterday told me she used to be a street girl and during that time was addicted to cocaine. She now lives with an aunt and is able to attend this program. She says that a lot of the children that are still on the streets tell her she doesn't deserve the program or the chance at a better life. That she isn't good enough, that she will always be "bad". Lord, that breaks my heart. That she was once orphaned, that she had to live alone on the streets for far too long, that she feels inferior to her classmates, that other children have stripped away her self-confidence and worth. When I go back tomorrow, I pray you provide me with the right words to say to her. That I am able to share with her how much she is loved by YOU. I pray that she will know how much she is worth, that she was bought at a high price. How loved she is by you, God. How loved all of your children are. A kind of love that I have a hard time wrapping my mind around. A love that I can't comprehend. A love that I don't deserve at all, but you provide it anyway.
Give be strength, Lord. I am so weak and inadequate without you. Help me share the good news of your light and salvation this week.